I read this post by Lynette Lewis called ‘iRelate’ and it was so eye opening that i wanted to share. Lynette and her husband Ron Lewis are doing a sermon series called ‘iRelate’ and last sunday they talked about relational intelligence…wooo this is something we can NEVER have enough coaching on as far as I’m concerned. As Pastor Brett said on sunday, “leaders are not born, they are made” and we can all become leaders in this area with with the tried and true, commitment, practice and application of truth.

here are some points i loved:

Intelligence Defined –  the ability to learn, understand, or deal with new or challenging situations.  (Who doesn’t need this when it comes to relationships?)

But perhaps the problem isn’t that we lack intelligence.  When hand-held devices put virtually all information we need at our fingertips, is the problem really a lack of know-how when it comes to relationships?  My premise is NO.  Rather, it’s that we don’t APPLY what we know and are left relationally suffering.

King Solomon, known as the wisest man of his time, is a perfect example of this.  He possessed much wisdom, but didn’t apply it to his wives.  With 700 wives and 300 concubines, He clung to them in love and his wives led him astray.  Lots of wisdom, no application of exact instructions God gave about making his relationships thrive.

So what are the TOOLS we need and how do we APPLY them?

Tool #1 — My favorite tool for relational intelligence is the Bible.  Filled with relatable stories of broken people and destitute situations, we find truths on how to love our wives, husbands, friends, and co-workers in practical ways that bring life-giving results.

Tool #2 — Mentors – At a time early in my career when I lacked mentors at work, a group of five girlfriends and I started meeting for breakfast, mentoring one another on becoming great managers.  We were all young and inexperienced but grew immensely through helping each other.  Mentoring comes through books, articles, speakers, and friends.  Mentors are an essential tool in becoming relationally intelligent.

Why Don’t We Apply What We Know? Three reasons seem to be common to all of us.

Reason #1 — Lazyness.  It’s easier to pull away, not confront, and avoid the tough work of relationships.  Just like it’s easier to sit home with a Cinnabon and cup of coffee than go out in the freezing cold for my 3-times weekly jogs.  I rarely FEEL like running, but after 25 years I’m committed no matter what.  For me, physical discipline drives out lazyness in so many areas, including being lazy with my relationships.  Running may not be your thing, but do whatever it takes to overcome lazyness.


Reason #2 – We Get Offended. Relationships are tough work and misunderstanding is inevitable.  Whenever an offense occurs we are tempted to shy away, harbor the hurt, and react in catastrophic ways.

 Over the years I have practiced not getting offended and have determined, no matter what, no one will offend me. What they say may be offensive, but I choose not to be offended.  I look at their heart motives and give them the benefit of the doubt.


Proverbs 19:11 says it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.  Relational Intelligence means I am committed to an environment of love and acceptance, overlooking offenses every time.

Reason #3 — We Feel Unqualified.  If we don’t believe we can really be great at relationships, we’ll stop shy of excellence.  Maybe we have failed in the past, can’t seem to break through with a certain individual, or are simply not confident when it comes to relating well.  Here’s the good news, you and I have what it takes to be great at relationships.

isn’t that SO good! read the rest here.

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