the love affair has ended

I have decided that MY love affair with you in my mind has got to end. I’m thankful for the crush because it means I have begun again (que new taylor swift song), I can now look at a good man and not wonder what is wrong with him or run in fear he will be like all the others. I can stand and say I happen to think this beautiful, God fearing man is interesting. but any expectations of there being more for you&I are as of now laid down.  I will stop dating the you in my head and stop the demands on the real you. I signed you up unknowingly. So I dump the you in my mind and give permission for reality to be reality. I remain open for whatever will or won’t happen but I give it room for it to be whatever “it” actually is. which in reality is nothing.

and since i happen to do this weird thing when i like someone which is to completely ignore them and flee! which is completely opposite of what any normal girl would do but that just shows you how many ‘awkward black girl’ moments i can have. so this is actually a good good thing.

This is good! This is progress! This is the healthiest thing I can do for you and me. and it means i get to guard my heart from myself. not just only from some outside force. i get to create good boundaries but no more barriers. I get to be free to embrace the good which may or may not include you. and that’s ok.

my beloved

put your weapons down

lay down your opposition

let go of this idea that he could be the one

and let it be

pick up some fun and put some records on

just be

be you and he (not he he but he) will come

Mary B. said something to me really interesting she said when its time you won’t have to do anything. no worries or jockeying or blind date worrying. you’ll just be… and that will be enough. so maybe its just not time.

good thoughts

i love this post by Soul Chocolate! Its called ‘I don’t like you’, read below:

not really.

i thought i did. i thought, oh yay! crush time! wooohoo!!!!

but in my moments of quiet reflection and talking with Jesus, i’ve slowly realized that it’s not you  that i like – i’ve had a crush on the idea of you.

the idea of a  children-loving, music-adoring, Jesus-worshiping, funny, attractive, age- appropriate, financially aware, politically savvy, intelligent man being interested in me. you know, basically all of the things that girls like me swoon for.

but, none of that is actually you. i don’t know your pains. your struggles. your joys. your hopes and dreams. your passions. the things that keep you up at night, and the others that help you sleep. i don’t know what i would be praying for, for you. i don’t know what you would be praying for, for me – or if you would even pray for me. i don’t know you.

how then, can i be all “ooooooh i like him!” when i don’t even know you?

so, no. i’m sorry (if you even care). i don’t really like you. i’m sure you’re perfectly nice (well, hopefully not too nice), but yeah. ignore any and all indications of ‘likeness’ and just be my friend, ‘kay?

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